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The good news: through three decades of building and facilitating team chemistry for Fortune 500 companies, professional sports franchises, schools, government agencies, medical centers, nonprofit organizations, and families (including marriage counseling and mediation), we've discovered that people all respond to conflict in one of five core, hand-on-the-stove ways. We've witnessed some truly wild $#!% and jaw-dropping relationship cacophony (some of which we'll share in the pages to come), but we've realized that no matter how unexpected or appalling the conflict, each person's approach to it can be distilled into one of five styles.
When riled by one another, humans will instinctively (1) avoid, (2) compete, (3) analyze, (4) collaborate, or (5) accommodate. Because these are ingrained by- products of the subcortex in action, they are predictable. If you can predict how someone might behave in a circumstance, you can formulate a game plan. All you need to know is which of the five patterns someone is wired to use when smacked in the nose by a stressor.
Enter How to Get Along with Anyone
Intensive study of human performance and organizational psychology combined with careers full of trial and error have taught us that the escalation of disagreements is rarely a result of content. Blowups appear to be substance driven, and oft dressed up as such, but they're actually people driven. No, we don't mean bad-actor caused, though that certainly does happen. We mean that when people don't fully attend to one another, they miss cues, considerations, and opportunities to keep differences from mushrooming—or better still, to benefit from those same differences. The first step toward preventing and resolving conflict is to focus on figuring out the people participating in it, not the underlying "problem."
Section I of this book will arm you with tools to better understand your own style and the styles of the people around you. Central to this process, we'll supply you with a formula for identifying your coworkers' and loved ones' Conflict Personality Styles—whether they are Avoiders, Competitors, Analyzers, Collaborators, or Accommodators (or whether they are multi-styled, as is someone who's an Accommodator around their boss but an Avoider in family situations). You'll then learn how to use this knowledge to foster great communication and great relationships, designing a bulletproof conflict vest for yourself.
In Section II we'll point a microscope at the five Conflict Personality Styles, uncovering the inner workings of each. Once you have a leg up on knowing how a friend or foe responds when their buttons are pushed—to avoid, compete, analyze, collaborate, or accommodate—what's your next move? What should you do next to guide an otherwise sour interaction down a productive path? Leaning on real-world work and family illustrations, the second half of this book will walk you through the blueprints for thriving in your interactions with each Conflict Personality Style.
One word of warning: as in every Marvel Studios blockbuster, there are villains lurking. There are people out there seeking to bring others down by tapping into conflict sensitivities and weaknesses, intentionally pushing hot buttons, fearmongering, and worse. Today, an increasing percentage of the population struggles to have civil discussion over points of disagreement. There are those who fan these flames for their own personal gains. There are bad actors—"hackers" wishing to leverage human psychology to do harm.
We put hackers in quotation marks purposefully. Modern emergence of the term in the 1960s was meant to describe, according to the history of computing's Jargon File, "the intellectual challenge of creatively overcoming and circumventing limitations of systems to extend their capabilities." Advocates of true hacker culture frown on their terminology being misused to label nefarious or illegal activity. Hacking in its pure form is about meaningful, value-add expositions of aptitude. Respected hacks expand a body of knowledge, reveal openings for design improvement, and elucidate how to overcome obstacles. Life hacks are for the purpose of increasing productivity and happiness. What's more, revered hackers are passionately community minded. They favor working collectively—very anti-conflict.
In our polarized world, interpersonal interaction and empathy have taken nosedives to all-time lows. More than ever, we need to channel the original spirit of hacking: bringing out the very best of human psychology to heal divides, restore teamwork, and build a better future together. We need conflict heroes. We need you. Which is why we've written this book: to put in your paws the ingredients for immunity to conflict kryptonite. In addition to aiding you in becoming more impervious to ne'er-do-wells seeking to exploit your conflict blind spots, we aim to make conflict resolution fun. Rhetorically speaking, who adores relationship strife? The unpleasant and exhausting nature of interpersonal dissonance is why so many people try to steer clear of it or brush it under the rug. Visceral feelings about conflict are why we can struggle to see the forest for the trees. The trees are the hullabaloo swirling in and around a disagreement. There is a clear, productive path through the forest, if you realize the trees are useful navigational beacons rather than Halloween-inspired encroachments on your well-being.
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